Friday, July 1

Dear Non-Gynecologists

Dear Urgent Care Doctor who saw me this morning,

If you are uncomfortable with vaginas, you should not give vaginal exams.  Should you be required to give vaginal exams, you should not assume that, I, who have a vagina, am uncomfortable with them as well.

I am familiar with the fact that menstruation results in discharge, or, blood, "if you will."  Yes, I will.  It is blood.  Every month.  For the last twelve years.  I am quite confident that I know this is normal, and I am unconcerned that you, a doctor, would have seen blood at some time during your practice.  Therefore, we may conclude, that touching such a red-type discharge would not phase you.

When you tell me, after every touch or swab, at neither of which have I flinched, to "hang in there," and that I am "doing a good job," I have to wonder how many children you have had to talk through vaginal exams also.  Or perhaps you work with horses?

If it were so brave to go to the doctor unaccompanied, I would gladly send my vagina by itself, lessening your discomfort, and certainly mine.  As it has yet to appreciate full autonomy, alas, I must also attend.  Be assured that, as I look up at the dots in your ceiling, that you have probably never seen, I am imagining myself at all of the other tasks I would rather spend my time doing.  I hope, however, that you, as you peer through your newfangled, warm plastic, self-lighting speculum, are not imagining the same.  I hope that you are carefully observing and quick-checking your mental reference, and that I will promptly be diagnosed and shooed out the door with some pills and/or a cream.  I would rather not wait twenty minutes, leaking your cold goo, a discharge with which I am slightly less familiar, and staring at the specks in your tile, which you have probably never seen.

If we should meet again, I will not be staying for the examination.  Here is my hand, the only thing you seem quite comfortable touching, and my nod and smile to make you feel better about your job, and here are my flip flops smacking against your hallway floor.  On my way out, I will not check in with the front desk, I did that over an hour ago, and they have had plenty of time to photo copy my license and key in a few numbers.  Next visit, I will send you a bill for wasting my time.

Very sincerely,

Your first patient of the day.


  1. Now that is a bad time!

  2. This made me laugh...every woman has had one of these experiences I think!

  3. Hahaha. Maybe he was trying to reassure himself.